Thursday, October 23, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
I am not gonna be ashamed anymore...
I apologize in advance if it's someone from my family, my friends or anyone else who gets ashamed by me now, or feel like it is unnecessary to publisht this on the internet, but to them, I just want to say; to bad for you, because I am doing this for me.
If someone close to me gets angry or sad that I did not tell them in person, I am sorry, but I have not had the courage to do so. I do not know when, and in wich point to bring it up. And this is nothing I have been proud of in any way. Ofcourse not! But here it goes:
This is the hardest blog post I have ever written, but I feel that I really want to write it! I'm tired of being ashamed of anything that happened to me several years ago.I'm tired of living with that part of my life as a secret. It is like knowing that I was living a double life and keeping it a secret from everyone.
It tears me apart to pretend that She, that Petra, wasn't there. Because, for me, she was the real Petra. The one who was hiding from everyone with a glued on smile on her face. Above all, I think I owe the young Petra who was so embarrassed, and every day was crying blood over who she was and how she felt. And I owe it to everyone young and old who are living with the same problems I had, who also feel ashamed, to show that there are more people like them. There are those who have gone through the same thing, but have gotten out of it. I'm not gonna be ashamed anymore!
Over about three years, high school, and then some, I suffered from eating disorders. I can not say exactly what eating disorder it was, it was a mixed bag. Anorexia, bullimia ... Some periods I starved myself, I threw up some, and some I ate almost nothing and was working out like crazy. When I think back on how far and how long time I could run without food in my stomach, I can in the current situation not understand anything! At that time, I wasn't in the best shape either. but there were "demons" (as many call them, but I have not given them any names) who made sure I did it anyway.
My legs ran by themselves, inside my head spun only evil thoughts, they acted as an engine and made sure I did not stop. Many times I ran so much that I vomited.
I don't think I have to say how much anxiety that characterized my life. I had anxiety because I thought about food, it was the only thing I could think about. I got anxiety if I ate something, and the thought that I must get rid of it somehow gave me anxiety. If I threw up, I had an unbelievable anxiety and cried an awful lot when I vomited, after I cried and had anxiety. Because I allowed myself to eat, and for the fact that I felt rotten. At night, I got anxiety because I could not sleep. Probably because I had not eaten anything and the body was stressed. I was planning how I would do the next day in order to escape the food. I used to get up before six o'clock on the weekends to set up food on the table so that it would look as though I had eaten breakfast, then I went for a long walk to get home to bed again.
While all this was happening, I had school to attend to. I had friends being nice to. Parties who all went to. My "image" as the crazy, funny one who did wacky things. It was nice to be able to hide behind this mask I had. But it was also a hassle. It had become a shield that no one could get past, not even me. When I figured out that I was not really healthy and really wanted help I couldn't ask for it I didn't manage. I just didn't.. I was stuck!
I never used the word "eating disorder." I knew I was not healthy, but called it to myself that I had "food issues." The hardest periods were those when I really wanted help. I wanted to say something, or that someone would see that I was struggling. I got my chances sometimes, among other things, when a friend asked if I really ate as I should, and I joked it off.
And When I went to the schools nurse for my sleeping problems (she never weighed me ever), but she asked if I ate properly. Of course I answered YES, even if it was not so. Once during gymclass I became so dizzy that I could not stand on my feet and my teacher asked me if I ate and drank well - All my inner screamed HELP ME, PLEASE! But the demon's voice answered, YES, I DO!
It led me to feeling even worse. I cried and screamed, but of course it did not appear that way. I managed not even for my life to ask for help, how hard I even tried. I was never hospitalized and probably wouldn't have been either, even if I would have asked for help., , I wasn't small enough. , I was not. I'm not very big now, but if you pull away about ten kg from me now you will see the Petra I was.
Well, this post is long, I know, so I'll try to finish!
I know once when it turned out so clearly, for myself, that I did not feel well. It was dumplings at school-lunch, my favorite dish. It was pretty small dumplings there, so I used to eat three or four, but I couldn't not even finnish half of one. THEN I got scared. Because even if I wanted, and even though I tried, I just couldn't eat anymore. And the little I had inside me felt like a lump that just gotta get out!
A while after that, after lunch, I sat on the school toilet and cried. I hated my life! I hated ! I hated that I could not eat, and I hated the anxiety! I wanted to die. This was surely no life? If I continued on the path I was in, I would probably die. Either because I would not last the war anymore and give up my life, or that I would eventually get so sick that I would die of malnutrition. I began to think so brain creaked. I had a world war with myself inside the bathroom. I told myself that I had to do something. It did not work anymore! I actually used to love food, candy, crisps ... well EVERYTHING! And is it not the case that a person must eat to survive? Well, a person have to eat!! If I'm supposed to be fat because I eat, then I guess I'll be fat then! It's really not the end of the world!
If someone close to me gets angry or sad that I did not tell them in person, I am sorry, but I have not had the courage to do so. I do not know when, and in wich point to bring it up. And this is nothing I have been proud of in any way. Ofcourse not! But here it goes:
This is the hardest blog post I have ever written, but I feel that I really want to write it! I'm tired of being ashamed of anything that happened to me several years ago.I'm tired of living with that part of my life as a secret. It is like knowing that I was living a double life and keeping it a secret from everyone.
It tears me apart to pretend that She, that Petra, wasn't there. Because, for me, she was the real Petra. The one who was hiding from everyone with a glued on smile on her face. Above all, I think I owe the young Petra who was so embarrassed, and every day was crying blood over who she was and how she felt. And I owe it to everyone young and old who are living with the same problems I had, who also feel ashamed, to show that there are more people like them. There are those who have gone through the same thing, but have gotten out of it. I'm not gonna be ashamed anymore!
Over about three years, high school, and then some, I suffered from eating disorders. I can not say exactly what eating disorder it was, it was a mixed bag. Anorexia, bullimia ... Some periods I starved myself, I threw up some, and some I ate almost nothing and was working out like crazy. When I think back on how far and how long time I could run without food in my stomach, I can in the current situation not understand anything! At that time, I wasn't in the best shape either. but there were "demons" (as many call them, but I have not given them any names) who made sure I did it anyway.
My legs ran by themselves, inside my head spun only evil thoughts, they acted as an engine and made sure I did not stop. Many times I ran so much that I vomited.
I don't think I have to say how much anxiety that characterized my life. I had anxiety because I thought about food, it was the only thing I could think about. I got anxiety if I ate something, and the thought that I must get rid of it somehow gave me anxiety. If I threw up, I had an unbelievable anxiety and cried an awful lot when I vomited, after I cried and had anxiety. Because I allowed myself to eat, and for the fact that I felt rotten. At night, I got anxiety because I could not sleep. Probably because I had not eaten anything and the body was stressed. I was planning how I would do the next day in order to escape the food. I used to get up before six o'clock on the weekends to set up food on the table so that it would look as though I had eaten breakfast, then I went for a long walk to get home to bed again.
While all this was happening, I had school to attend to. I had friends being nice to. Parties who all went to. My "image" as the crazy, funny one who did wacky things. It was nice to be able to hide behind this mask I had. But it was also a hassle. It had become a shield that no one could get past, not even me. When I figured out that I was not really healthy and really wanted help I couldn't ask for it I didn't manage. I just didn't.. I was stuck!
I never used the word "eating disorder." I knew I was not healthy, but called it to myself that I had "food issues." The hardest periods were those when I really wanted help. I wanted to say something, or that someone would see that I was struggling. I got my chances sometimes, among other things, when a friend asked if I really ate as I should, and I joked it off.
And When I went to the schools nurse for my sleeping problems (she never weighed me ever), but she asked if I ate properly. Of course I answered YES, even if it was not so. Once during gymclass I became so dizzy that I could not stand on my feet and my teacher asked me if I ate and drank well - All my inner screamed HELP ME, PLEASE! But the demon's voice answered, YES, I DO!
It led me to feeling even worse. I cried and screamed, but of course it did not appear that way. I managed not even for my life to ask for help, how hard I even tried. I was never hospitalized and probably wouldn't have been either, even if I would have asked for help., , I wasn't small enough. , I was not. I'm not very big now, but if you pull away about ten kg from me now you will see the Petra I was.
Well, this post is long, I know, so I'll try to finish!
I know once when it turned out so clearly, for myself, that I did not feel well. It was dumplings at school-lunch, my favorite dish. It was pretty small dumplings there, so I used to eat three or four, but I couldn't not even finnish half of one. THEN I got scared. Because even if I wanted, and even though I tried, I just couldn't eat anymore. And the little I had inside me felt like a lump that just gotta get out!
A while after that, after lunch, I sat on the school toilet and cried. I hated my life! I hated ! I hated that I could not eat, and I hated the anxiety! I wanted to die. This was surely no life? If I continued on the path I was in, I would probably die. Either because I would not last the war anymore and give up my life, or that I would eventually get so sick that I would die of malnutrition. I began to think so brain creaked. I had a world war with myself inside the bathroom. I told myself that I had to do something. It did not work anymore! I actually used to love food, candy, crisps ... well EVERYTHING! And is it not the case that a person must eat to survive? Well, a person have to eat!! If I'm supposed to be fat because I eat, then I guess I'll be fat then! It's really not the end of the world!
Right there, I decided to make a change! It would be war, and I would win. I was too afraid to search for help, so I simply had to deal with it myself! But I can tell you that it was not easy! I decided that I could not weigh myself more (I used to weigh myself more than four times per day), I was not allowed to vomit, and I would eat at least one meal every day to begin with. It was not easy, and I had anxiety all the time, just like when I didn't eat, but I had decided to begin my journey to some day feel good. I had a goal! Obviously it hit rear sometimes and I fell back, but I had a visual goal, and one day I would get there. It was hard to fight so hard when no one knew about it. It was hard to sit there at kitchen table and eat and pretend that everything was OK when it ,at the same time, took place in a war in my head. A war between me and the "demons". But I had decided to be strong. I decided to change my control need not to eat, to control that I did eat!
To make a long story short, I gradually began to feel better. I started thinking of myself as healthy (although, when I think back to that time, I was not quite there yet), and I struggled on. When I had become strong and ate every meal and really felt on the track one day I took a walk in the woods with my mother. In that round, she told me that she found one of my poems and had read it. I became very angry of course. I did not want anyone to see them. She told me that she understood by the poem that I suffered from eating disorders. Eating disorders. It was the first time someone used those words about me. The first time I heard them loud. And the first time I realized that was what I actually had.
It was also the first time anyone knew what I went through. Someone I could talk to. As much as I cried out of shame and fear that she now knew, I cried with relief. My mom told my siblings, and I decided right then and there that I never, never again would end up there again. I had people around me who I could ask for help if it would happen again. Who would support me and not judge me. That was what was most shocking, they did not judge me! They did not say I was a disgrace. And I felt that I had more than myself to fight for. I would never fall back, because I did not want to give my family the pain.
I have often wondered why I ended up in the swamp of eating disorders . There is no answer to that, but I know it, how sick it may sound, made me feel good at something. I was not a beautiful, handsome or pretty girl. I tried to get good grades , but did not succeed. I had no talent, and I was not good at anything. When I got to high school and all of my problems started, I felt that I managed to do something. I succeeded on the scale, I managed to fool those around me, nobody saw what I did. But I fooled even myself without knowing it. While I managed to do all the troublesome experiences I succeeded with school too. I studied hard and sometimes stayed at school and took a later bus home, to be able to say that I already eaten when I got home and so on. In contrast, everything led to that I basically hit the wall. At the end of high school, I was fighting to try and get well. So when the time came try to and get a driving license, while I was studying hard, had national examinations, plan for graduation, get good final grades, etc.. was horribly turbulent. when I had such a war in my body. well I'll be damned, but I actually made it!
Now I am 27 years old and loves to work out. I love to work out and see how my body is getting stronger and develop. I love to eat! I have found a lifestyle that works for me. I've left the eating disorder, and I hope that everyone around me understands that now. I do not train because I want to lose weight and become thin as a stick. I train because I want to build my body up, and exercise is one of my major interests. Today, I would never be able to run for miles without food in my stomach, because I do not have that engine in my head, forcing me forward. I can run as far as my body have the energy for that day, then I don't push it anymore. I am proud of myself that I succeeded do all this on my own.
Today I am healthy, and I know that you who are reading this, and are where I once was, also has the ability to become well! But you have to fightFight the urges to purge and starve.. It's hard work! But life as you now live is also har work and pain, and there you really need to struggle. I wish there are people who read this and understand that it is never too late. And you are not alone! You just have to find the power, or someone you can talk to who can support. Otherwise, I'm here and can support you as best I can!
Never give up! You are worth it! <3<3
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Saturday, July 12, 2014
It was me who was her
It was me who was her
That girl without eyes
She who could not see
Only black dens empty in her head
It was me who was her
The girl with hands of rubber
Fingers that could not grip
Everything she tried to touch disappeared
It was me who was her
The girl with a heart of ice
The tears in her heart was frozen
Just a little impact would cause it to burst
It was me who was her
The girl who had no voice
How badly she even tried and wished, no sound came out
Only on the inside her scream was heard
It was me who was her
The Girl with the darkness in her body
The one that blackened all she was
The one that would choke her at last
It was me who was her
The girl who made up her mind
She who refused to give up
Now the fight began
It was me who was her
The girl who had to learn to see again
Who Strenghten her fingers with crowbars
Began emptying her tears on her cheeks to melt her heart
It was me who was her
The girl who had to tear off, turn and train her vocal cords
Learn to whisper, talk and scream once again
Her voice was for the first time going to be heard
It was me who was her
The Girl with the darkness in her body
Who each day emptied out a little at a time
She refused to be crushed by the heavy dark
It is I who is her
The girl who got older
The girl who survived
The girl who still struggles every day to be free
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Why bother...
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I am climbing this steep wall
in this dark hole
Cold water flowing down the walls
My hands are stiff from cold
The echo of my heartbeat bounces between the walls
Spiders crawling at my back
and there is nothing to do about it
The darkness is blinding me
I can not see anything
My muscles are tired
soon they will stop working
I've climbed a long time now
without sleep and strength
if I do not get to rest soon my hands will let go
Suddenly it stings in my eyes
It is something that dazzles me
I'm approaching the light up there
I can feel the warmth of the sun
I get too excited by the thought that soon everything will be fine
I am hurrying upwards
I stop being careful
When I am finally almost there a stone comes loose
My foot loses its grip and I fall down
further and further down
Eventually I reach the bottom with a bang
I will never get up from here
It took years to climb up
but only seconds to fall down...
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
There is hope
The poem is under the picture too, if it's hard to read!
There was a time when I stopped trying
When I felt that I refused to build the ladder again
I always fall down anyway
The ladder falls to pieces, or my leg breaks
Every time I approached the surface of the black hole I'm in, something happened
I fell
Sometimes I was lying a long time with a concussion
Sometimes, I simply just refused
I was tired of hurting myself
I fell again today
But this time I hung in the edge of the hole for a while
It was a little further to the ground
It still hurt just as much
I was sure I would give up again
But I was wrong
I'm not going to give up againthis time
Not yet anyway
I'll bite the bullet and start my way to the top again
And this time I'll try to hang on
Yes, it was further to the ground
But it also means that I was farther up
closer to the top
closer to life
There was a time when I stopped trying
When I felt that I refused to build the ladder again
I always fall down anyway
The ladder falls to pieces, or my leg breaks
Every time I approached the surface of the black hole I'm in, something happened
I fell
Sometimes I was lying a long time with a concussion
Sometimes, I simply just refused
I was tired of hurting myself
I fell again today
But this time I hung in the edge of the hole for a while
It was a little further to the ground
It still hurt just as much
I was sure I would give up again
But I was wrong
I'm not going to give up againthis time
Not yet anyway
I'll bite the bullet and start my way to the top again
And this time I'll try to hang on
Yes, it was further to the ground
But it also means that I was farther up
closer to the top
closer to life
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Insomnia
Hard night tonight, that made me write a little. But I didn't think at all when I wrote, and I was tiiired, so I just let the thoughts flow. And this is what came out of it:
Monday, June 16, 2014
See me
When I went to acting school I wrote and played my own play. It was called as my blog is called - Behind the shell. It was a 40 minute play, but I only have a short clip of it on youtube (yet), wich I this morning made some subtitles to. In the play there are plenty of different characters, with one thing in commen. Loneliness. I played all of them, just by changing what I held in my hands. That explaines the thing that are laying in front of me. This clip is towards the end of the play. In the beginning of the clip, it is really, really small and held back, but it gets "tougher". Maybe you can't get the feeling I try to give with just this short clip. I understand that. But if you're interested, you are more than welcome to watch it.
It was like three years or so since I recorded this clip, so I have improved much when it comes to the acting-thing, but I am still proud of what I did (or I am trying to be). It was a big moment for me, to get to write and act my own thing. The whole play wasn't this dark. It had some humor and sarcastic things in it to. But the theme was loneliness and the facade we are trying to keep up. Here comes the clip, and if it isn't subtitles right away, you can change it in the right corner.
Hugs to you all!
It was like three years or so since I recorded this clip, so I have improved much when it comes to the acting-thing, but I am still proud of what I did (or I am trying to be). It was a big moment for me, to get to write and act my own thing. The whole play wasn't this dark. It had some humor and sarcastic things in it to. But the theme was loneliness and the facade we are trying to keep up. Here comes the clip, and if it isn't subtitles right away, you can change it in the right corner.
Hugs to you all!
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Great expactations
To my readers
I just want to say Hi and welcome. I can't believe that I am doing this. Translate my thoughts into another language.
Since I was 16 I have written my thoughts in poetry. I have never had the courage to tell anyone how I felt. In my eyes everybody was perfect and happy. Everybody walked with their smiles and perfect bodys through life, like there was no problem in the world. I did too. But I faked it. I faked my smile so that no one could se the pain in my heart. The invinsible pain, and the million of tears. I thought I was the ugliest thing there was. And I was so unhappy. I can't tell my whole story, cause it would be a whole book of shit, but I can tell a little bit.
I have been depressed in my entire life (as I can remember.) I had funny times too, but inside there was always this feeling that I didn't belong. I was a master of disguise, and became quickly the clown of the class. As long as I was funny, smiled, laughed and did all the stuff nobody else dared, i was someone. And most importantly, nobody could see the pain I was in. Nobody could undestand that this little girl didn't want to live. I became older, and the clown was following. I got an eatingdisorder (or actually, I went through them all, but fortunately, I'm over them now). My smile became stronger, and stronger. And when it came to the point that I really needed to tell someone, wanted someone to see, I couldn't. My mask, my smiling mask had been on for to long. I couldn't break it down even if I wanted so badly! That saying "What does the clown do when the audience goes home, an the laughter stops", really was the truth for me. Tears of a clown...
When I started writing, it was such a relief. everything I had bottled up, just flew on the paper. Some readable, some just words. But they helped me alot. I felt so alone at that time, and the thing that got me through was the thought of some day come past that and be a survivor. I wanted to share my poetry with young people who went through the same thing I did. I wanted to help. God knows I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die. Can't tell you how many times I hoped I never was gonna wake up. But I came through. I believe that we are all set on this earth for a purpose. When it's time for me to die, I will die, but that's not up to me. I hope that some of my purpose is that I maybe can help with my poetry. Show my readers that they are not alone, and you will survive even if it feels hard sometimes! Don't end your life, then you never will know what could have happened. If I had ended my life when I was a teenager, I would never had met my nieces and nephews, I had never gone to acting school and learnt so much about myself. I would never have written my poetry, I had never made this blog. And I had never realized that the sun always shines behind the clouds, and sometimes you can see it glow or even shine. The night and the darkness is there to, but it will never be there forever.
And remember that if YOU can fake a smile, everybody else can do that to. So I promise you, you are NOT alone. And you WILL get throug whatever pain your in. It can take time, but you will! Don't let it beat you down. And let's all try to destroy our hard shells, and dare to show how we feel.. Don't let it destroy you. I will be here if you need someone to talk to!
I hope that the sun shines down on all of you<3
Since I was 16 I have written my thoughts in poetry. I have never had the courage to tell anyone how I felt. In my eyes everybody was perfect and happy. Everybody walked with their smiles and perfect bodys through life, like there was no problem in the world. I did too. But I faked it. I faked my smile so that no one could se the pain in my heart. The invinsible pain, and the million of tears. I thought I was the ugliest thing there was. And I was so unhappy. I can't tell my whole story, cause it would be a whole book of shit, but I can tell a little bit.
I have been depressed in my entire life (as I can remember.) I had funny times too, but inside there was always this feeling that I didn't belong. I was a master of disguise, and became quickly the clown of the class. As long as I was funny, smiled, laughed and did all the stuff nobody else dared, i was someone. And most importantly, nobody could see the pain I was in. Nobody could undestand that this little girl didn't want to live. I became older, and the clown was following. I got an eatingdisorder (or actually, I went through them all, but fortunately, I'm over them now). My smile became stronger, and stronger. And when it came to the point that I really needed to tell someone, wanted someone to see, I couldn't. My mask, my smiling mask had been on for to long. I couldn't break it down even if I wanted so badly! That saying "What does the clown do when the audience goes home, an the laughter stops", really was the truth for me. Tears of a clown...
When I started writing, it was such a relief. everything I had bottled up, just flew on the paper. Some readable, some just words. But they helped me alot. I felt so alone at that time, and the thing that got me through was the thought of some day come past that and be a survivor. I wanted to share my poetry with young people who went through the same thing I did. I wanted to help. God knows I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die. Can't tell you how many times I hoped I never was gonna wake up. But I came through. I believe that we are all set on this earth for a purpose. When it's time for me to die, I will die, but that's not up to me. I hope that some of my purpose is that I maybe can help with my poetry. Show my readers that they are not alone, and you will survive even if it feels hard sometimes! Don't end your life, then you never will know what could have happened. If I had ended my life when I was a teenager, I would never had met my nieces and nephews, I had never gone to acting school and learnt so much about myself. I would never have written my poetry, I had never made this blog. And I had never realized that the sun always shines behind the clouds, and sometimes you can see it glow or even shine. The night and the darkness is there to, but it will never be there forever.
And remember that if YOU can fake a smile, everybody else can do that to. So I promise you, you are NOT alone. And you WILL get throug whatever pain your in. It can take time, but you will! Don't let it beat you down. And let's all try to destroy our hard shells, and dare to show how we feel.. Don't let it destroy you. I will be here if you need someone to talk to!
I hope that the sun shines down on all of you<3
Congratulations they said...
This is my first poem that I actually wrote in English right away. I use to write in swedish, and then translate it so it fits an english format. This is also my first poem with english rhymes.
I hope it's readable. Otherwise, you can find the text under the picture.
I hope it's readable. Otherwise, you can find the text under the picture.
Congratulations they said
For what? That I got out of bed?
That my tears are on my pillow instead of my face?
For my total and crazy lack off grace?
Congratulations they said
For what? For the anxiety I had?
For the years that have gone by
The life I don't have even though I try
Congratulations they said
For what? That I live but feel dead?
For the pain that is stuck in my heart?
Like someone with my soul is playing dart
Congratulations I say to me
For what? That I am going to be free
Wash my pillows with my tears
Live, and actually face my fears
Congratulations I say
For what? I am going out to play!
Play dart with my anxiety inside
Throw it away along with the pain I hide
Congratulations to myself
For what? I will put my pain on a shelf
Look at it as nothing to hide
Hope I will question why I even tried
Congratulations to me
For what? That I am beginning to see
That my feelings matters,and soon a person I will be
Yes, I will fly, I will dive, I will be free...
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