Since I was 16 I have written my thoughts in poetry. I have never had the courage to tell anyone how I felt. In my eyes everybody was perfect and happy. Everybody walked with their smiles and perfect bodys through life, like there was no problem in the world. I did too. But I faked it. I faked my smile so that no one could se the pain in my heart. The invinsible pain, and the million of tears. I thought I was the ugliest thing there was. And I was so unhappy. I can't tell my whole story, cause it would be a whole book of shit, but I can tell a little bit.
I have been depressed in my entire life (as I can remember.) I had funny times too, but inside there was always this feeling that I didn't belong. I was a master of disguise, and became quickly the clown of the class. As long as I was funny, smiled, laughed and did all the stuff nobody else dared, i was someone. And most importantly, nobody could see the pain I was in. Nobody could undestand that this little girl didn't want to live. I became older, and the clown was following. I got an eatingdisorder (or actually, I went through them all, but fortunately, I'm over them now). My smile became stronger, and stronger. And when it came to the point that I really needed to tell someone, wanted someone to see, I couldn't. My mask, my smiling mask had been on for to long. I couldn't break it down even if I wanted so badly! That saying "What does the clown do when the audience goes home, an the laughter stops", really was the truth for me. Tears of a clown...
When I started writing, it was such a relief. everything I had bottled up, just flew on the paper. Some readable, some just words. But they helped me alot. I felt so alone at that time, and the thing that got me through was the thought of some day come past that and be a survivor. I wanted to share my poetry with young people who went through the same thing I did. I wanted to help. God knows I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die. Can't tell you how many times I hoped I never was gonna wake up. But I came through. I believe that we are all set on this earth for a purpose. When it's time for me to die, I will die, but that's not up to me. I hope that some of my purpose is that I maybe can help with my poetry. Show my readers that they are not alone, and you will survive even if it feels hard sometimes! Don't end your life, then you never will know what could have happened. If I had ended my life when I was a teenager, I would never had met my nieces and nephews, I had never gone to acting school and learnt so much about myself. I would never have written my poetry, I had never made this blog. And I had never realized that the sun always shines behind the clouds, and sometimes you can see it glow or even shine. The night and the darkness is there to, but it will never be there forever.
And remember that if YOU can fake a smile, everybody else can do that to. So I promise you, you are NOT alone. And you WILL get throug whatever pain your in. It can take time, but you will! Don't let it beat you down. And let's all try to destroy our hard shells, and dare to show how we feel.. Don't let it destroy you. I will be here if you need someone to talk to!
I hope that the sun shines down on all of you<3
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