Saturday, June 28, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
There is hope
The poem is under the picture too, if it's hard to read!
There was a time when I stopped trying
When I felt that I refused to build the ladder again
I always fall down anyway
The ladder falls to pieces, or my leg breaks
Every time I approached the surface of the black hole I'm in, something happened
I fell
Sometimes I was lying a long time with a concussion
Sometimes, I simply just refused
I was tired of hurting myself
I fell again today
But this time I hung in the edge of the hole for a while
It was a little further to the ground
It still hurt just as much
I was sure I would give up again
But I was wrong
I'm not going to give up againthis time
Not yet anyway
I'll bite the bullet and start my way to the top again
And this time I'll try to hang on
Yes, it was further to the ground
But it also means that I was farther up
closer to the top
closer to life
There was a time when I stopped trying
When I felt that I refused to build the ladder again
I always fall down anyway
The ladder falls to pieces, or my leg breaks
Every time I approached the surface of the black hole I'm in, something happened
I fell
Sometimes I was lying a long time with a concussion
Sometimes, I simply just refused
I was tired of hurting myself
I fell again today
But this time I hung in the edge of the hole for a while
It was a little further to the ground
It still hurt just as much
I was sure I would give up again
But I was wrong
I'm not going to give up againthis time
Not yet anyway
I'll bite the bullet and start my way to the top again
And this time I'll try to hang on
Yes, it was further to the ground
But it also means that I was farther up
closer to the top
closer to life
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Insomnia
Hard night tonight, that made me write a little. But I didn't think at all when I wrote, and I was tiiired, so I just let the thoughts flow. And this is what came out of it:
Monday, June 16, 2014
See me
When I went to acting school I wrote and played my own play. It was called as my blog is called - Behind the shell. It was a 40 minute play, but I only have a short clip of it on youtube (yet), wich I this morning made some subtitles to. In the play there are plenty of different characters, with one thing in commen. Loneliness. I played all of them, just by changing what I held in my hands. That explaines the thing that are laying in front of me. This clip is towards the end of the play. In the beginning of the clip, it is really, really small and held back, but it gets "tougher". Maybe you can't get the feeling I try to give with just this short clip. I understand that. But if you're interested, you are more than welcome to watch it.
It was like three years or so since I recorded this clip, so I have improved much when it comes to the acting-thing, but I am still proud of what I did (or I am trying to be). It was a big moment for me, to get to write and act my own thing. The whole play wasn't this dark. It had some humor and sarcastic things in it to. But the theme was loneliness and the facade we are trying to keep up. Here comes the clip, and if it isn't subtitles right away, you can change it in the right corner.
Hugs to you all!
It was like three years or so since I recorded this clip, so I have improved much when it comes to the acting-thing, but I am still proud of what I did (or I am trying to be). It was a big moment for me, to get to write and act my own thing. The whole play wasn't this dark. It had some humor and sarcastic things in it to. But the theme was loneliness and the facade we are trying to keep up. Here comes the clip, and if it isn't subtitles right away, you can change it in the right corner.
Hugs to you all!
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Great expactations
To my readers
I just want to say Hi and welcome. I can't believe that I am doing this. Translate my thoughts into another language.
Since I was 16 I have written my thoughts in poetry. I have never had the courage to tell anyone how I felt. In my eyes everybody was perfect and happy. Everybody walked with their smiles and perfect bodys through life, like there was no problem in the world. I did too. But I faked it. I faked my smile so that no one could se the pain in my heart. The invinsible pain, and the million of tears. I thought I was the ugliest thing there was. And I was so unhappy. I can't tell my whole story, cause it would be a whole book of shit, but I can tell a little bit.
I have been depressed in my entire life (as I can remember.) I had funny times too, but inside there was always this feeling that I didn't belong. I was a master of disguise, and became quickly the clown of the class. As long as I was funny, smiled, laughed and did all the stuff nobody else dared, i was someone. And most importantly, nobody could see the pain I was in. Nobody could undestand that this little girl didn't want to live. I became older, and the clown was following. I got an eatingdisorder (or actually, I went through them all, but fortunately, I'm over them now). My smile became stronger, and stronger. And when it came to the point that I really needed to tell someone, wanted someone to see, I couldn't. My mask, my smiling mask had been on for to long. I couldn't break it down even if I wanted so badly! That saying "What does the clown do when the audience goes home, an the laughter stops", really was the truth for me. Tears of a clown...
When I started writing, it was such a relief. everything I had bottled up, just flew on the paper. Some readable, some just words. But they helped me alot. I felt so alone at that time, and the thing that got me through was the thought of some day come past that and be a survivor. I wanted to share my poetry with young people who went through the same thing I did. I wanted to help. God knows I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die. Can't tell you how many times I hoped I never was gonna wake up. But I came through. I believe that we are all set on this earth for a purpose. When it's time for me to die, I will die, but that's not up to me. I hope that some of my purpose is that I maybe can help with my poetry. Show my readers that they are not alone, and you will survive even if it feels hard sometimes! Don't end your life, then you never will know what could have happened. If I had ended my life when I was a teenager, I would never had met my nieces and nephews, I had never gone to acting school and learnt so much about myself. I would never have written my poetry, I had never made this blog. And I had never realized that the sun always shines behind the clouds, and sometimes you can see it glow or even shine. The night and the darkness is there to, but it will never be there forever.
And remember that if YOU can fake a smile, everybody else can do that to. So I promise you, you are NOT alone. And you WILL get throug whatever pain your in. It can take time, but you will! Don't let it beat you down. And let's all try to destroy our hard shells, and dare to show how we feel.. Don't let it destroy you. I will be here if you need someone to talk to!
I hope that the sun shines down on all of you<3
Since I was 16 I have written my thoughts in poetry. I have never had the courage to tell anyone how I felt. In my eyes everybody was perfect and happy. Everybody walked with their smiles and perfect bodys through life, like there was no problem in the world. I did too. But I faked it. I faked my smile so that no one could se the pain in my heart. The invinsible pain, and the million of tears. I thought I was the ugliest thing there was. And I was so unhappy. I can't tell my whole story, cause it would be a whole book of shit, but I can tell a little bit.
I have been depressed in my entire life (as I can remember.) I had funny times too, but inside there was always this feeling that I didn't belong. I was a master of disguise, and became quickly the clown of the class. As long as I was funny, smiled, laughed and did all the stuff nobody else dared, i was someone. And most importantly, nobody could see the pain I was in. Nobody could undestand that this little girl didn't want to live. I became older, and the clown was following. I got an eatingdisorder (or actually, I went through them all, but fortunately, I'm over them now). My smile became stronger, and stronger. And when it came to the point that I really needed to tell someone, wanted someone to see, I couldn't. My mask, my smiling mask had been on for to long. I couldn't break it down even if I wanted so badly! That saying "What does the clown do when the audience goes home, an the laughter stops", really was the truth for me. Tears of a clown...
When I started writing, it was such a relief. everything I had bottled up, just flew on the paper. Some readable, some just words. But they helped me alot. I felt so alone at that time, and the thing that got me through was the thought of some day come past that and be a survivor. I wanted to share my poetry with young people who went through the same thing I did. I wanted to help. God knows I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die. Can't tell you how many times I hoped I never was gonna wake up. But I came through. I believe that we are all set on this earth for a purpose. When it's time for me to die, I will die, but that's not up to me. I hope that some of my purpose is that I maybe can help with my poetry. Show my readers that they are not alone, and you will survive even if it feels hard sometimes! Don't end your life, then you never will know what could have happened. If I had ended my life when I was a teenager, I would never had met my nieces and nephews, I had never gone to acting school and learnt so much about myself. I would never have written my poetry, I had never made this blog. And I had never realized that the sun always shines behind the clouds, and sometimes you can see it glow or even shine. The night and the darkness is there to, but it will never be there forever.
And remember that if YOU can fake a smile, everybody else can do that to. So I promise you, you are NOT alone. And you WILL get throug whatever pain your in. It can take time, but you will! Don't let it beat you down. And let's all try to destroy our hard shells, and dare to show how we feel.. Don't let it destroy you. I will be here if you need someone to talk to!
I hope that the sun shines down on all of you<3
Congratulations they said...
This is my first poem that I actually wrote in English right away. I use to write in swedish, and then translate it so it fits an english format. This is also my first poem with english rhymes.
I hope it's readable. Otherwise, you can find the text under the picture.
I hope it's readable. Otherwise, you can find the text under the picture.
Congratulations they said
For what? That I got out of bed?
That my tears are on my pillow instead of my face?
For my total and crazy lack off grace?
Congratulations they said
For what? For the anxiety I had?
For the years that have gone by
The life I don't have even though I try
Congratulations they said
For what? That I live but feel dead?
For the pain that is stuck in my heart?
Like someone with my soul is playing dart
Congratulations I say to me
For what? That I am going to be free
Wash my pillows with my tears
Live, and actually face my fears
Congratulations I say
For what? I am going out to play!
Play dart with my anxiety inside
Throw it away along with the pain I hide
Congratulations to myself
For what? I will put my pain on a shelf
Look at it as nothing to hide
Hope I will question why I even tried
Congratulations to me
For what? That I am beginning to see
That my feelings matters,and soon a person I will be
Yes, I will fly, I will dive, I will be free...
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